Going beyond the stereotypes.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with OCD by a mental health professional. The diagnosis came after I needed to switch therapists because my practitioner at the time told me she couldn’t help me any longer. Have you ever been fired by your therapist?? I feel like I deserve an award for this. The poor thing couldn’t understand why I kept falling into these low vibrational spirals over and over that could last days or weeks.

That’s when I began to suspect something deeper was up.

Like the hypochondriac (thank you, health OCD. More on this later) I used to be, I googled my symptoms. To my dismay, I learned I was a poster child for an OCD diagnosis.

I was shocked to learn was that OCD isn’t just a fear of germs, being a clean freak, or needing to do things repetitively a set number of times. Instead, the OCD I experience, mainly lives inside my head.

I’ll give you an example.

I’ve been in a healthy and loving relationship for two and a half years. Despite this, I experience random intrusive thoughts about my relationship. Maybe it’s a question about whether this is the “right” person for me. Maybe it’s a fear that he might be secretly more attracted to someone else. Maybe it’s a worry that I’m missing important signs that something is wrong (an angel number during one of these spells would have me down bad!!).

Most people would have the thought and move on.

I couldn’t.

Instead, my brain treated the thoughts like an emergency.

I’d analyze them from every possible angle. I’d replay conversations. I’d check my feelings. I’d search online. I’d seek reassurance from trusted friends, family members, and therapists. I even tried meeting with a phone psychic. Because I’ll be damned if I don’t figure out the “truth” once and for all to quell this godforsaken anxiety.

But you guys, the cruel part is that no amount of reassurance ever lasts.

I might feel better for an hour. Maybe a day. If I’m lucky, even a week. But eventually the doubt and anxiety come back, just as intense as ever. I would start the entire process over again.

What looks like overthinking from the outside feels like a burning need for safety and certainty on the inside.

At first, I genuinely believed I was being responsible. If I could just think hard enough, analyze deeply enough, or find the “right answer,” I could finally make the anxiety go away. I’d be safe.

What I didn’t understand was that the problem wasn’t the thought. The problem was that my brain refused to let the thought be just a thought.

How do I handle these thoughts now?

I’m not sure if these thoughts will ever completely go away. But I have noticed that when I stop feeding them—when I stop investigating, interrogating, and searching—they start to lose their charge. The more I engage with them, the more urgent they feel.

Something I’m working on in therapy is self-trust. We all have an inner voice that guides us, but when OCD and anxiety are loud, it can be hard to tell what’s fear and what’s intuition.

During the beginning stages of working through the relationship OCD, my therapist would ask me, “Are these thoughts worth giving up your relationship for?” The answer was always no. My inner guidance system knows how deeply I love and trust my boyfriend, and that he is equally committed to me.

But even as I write that, I can feel the doubt try to creep in and question my happiness. It manifests as tightness in my chest and this buzzy, constricted feeling. I’m learning to recognize that sensation as a cue, not a command.

The goal isn’t to eliminate uncertainty. It’s to stop treating uncertainty like danger. I don’t always win against OCD. I still get pulled into the loop somedays.

I’ve learned that recovery isn’t about never having the thoughts again.

It’s about changing my relationship to the thoughts and asking, “What would the most secure version of myself do in this moment?”

I don’t have to solve every question my mind asks in order to be safe. I’m starting to trust that I can still hold space for uncertainty… and still be okay. 

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If you want to learn more about OCD, the International OCD Foundation is a great place to start. Knowledge is power, people!!

If you live with OCD, what’s something you wish more people understood about your experience? I’d love to hear from you! ❤️