Well I used to. I literally used to hate myself. Occasionally, I still struggle with things like body image, self-esteem, and self-doubt but that’s different. I’m talking about real self-loathing. Like hating yourself so much you’re friends with or date people who treat you like shit, you hurt yourself because you think you deserve it, and silencing yourself to avoid being seen because you don’t think you have value.

In the beginning of my healing journey, I didn’t fully realize the depth of my disdain toward myself. I knew that I felt pretty badly about myself and my life but at this point, I thought this was due to external circumstances. It wasn’t until I received a blessing in the shape of an intrusive thought that I experienced a breakthrough.

It was a cold winter’s day in 2020, and I was staring into the cozy fire I had just created for myself. In the space between the silence and the crackling of the fire, a very clear and heinous thought arose in the most vicious tone: “You’re worthless.” I immediately burst into tears. It was so mean and hurtful, and I couldn’t believe it came from inside of me, about me. I’ve lived with some form of anxiety since I was a young child, and I couldn’t help but wonder: how long had my thoughts been this ruthless toward me? I just happened to catch the voice this time, but how often was it happening beneath the surface? And if I wasn’t catching it, how was it shaping the way I felt about myself and the way I showed up in the world?

That moment showed me something important: breakthroughs do not always come wrapped in comfort. Sometimes they arrive in the form of an ugly thought, a painful memory, or an unwanted truth. As much as I hated that voice, it was also the first time I could truly see my shadow for what it was.

Welcome to the light, shadow.

This October, I’ll be exploring the theme of shadow — the hidden parts of ourselves that are often born from pain, fear, or shame. My hope is that by sharing pieces of my journey, you’ll be encouraged to meet your own shadows with curiosity, honesty, and even compassion. Because even the harshest voices inside us can become guides when we’re willing to listen and learn.

Have you ever noticed a shadow thought that surprised you? What did it reveal to you?